Stranded

Everyone should know a few basic things about automotive repair, because getting stranded is a real pain in the ass.

Most of us who have been driving for any period of time can recognize such maladies as a dead battery or an overheated radiator, but now that vehicles have become so complex, more often than not an issue that cannot be easily fixed and is related to something mysteriously referred to as "the computer."

Recently, "the computer" gave me some trouble in my car. I was really worried about getting stranded, but I remembered there is a SUPER EASY way to reset your computer, and you don't need any serious tools. All you have to do is disconnect and reconnect your battery. Remember, though, it will erase the computer's memory, so you won't be able to go back and find out what was wrong to begin with. On the other hand, when they "run the diagnostics" at the dealership, all they are really doing is erasing the computer's memory.

So, here is my story....

It started on my way home from work. About 1/3 of the way home, the battery light came on. Then, as I was sitting at a stoplight, the car just died. Completely. Lights, radio, everything. I didn't kill it. I can actually drive a stick competently, regardless of the fact that some people are convinced that ovaries secrete a hormone that prevents you from a. driving a stick or b. knowing the least little bit about cars and what may ail them and c. having any knowledge of finances, most especially home loans.

So, the car died, forcing me to curse a lot. I tried to restart the car. It just clicked. I cursed more, and in my frustration, twisted the key one last time, expecing nothing.

But, the car started. Kind of. It was idling really low, so I kept my foot on the gas while it was in neutral, not letting it fall below 1000 RPM. The light turned green, I put the car in gear, and at first everything was fine. But then it hit 2500 RPM, and the engine just backed off, back down to 500. I put it in second and got going, and again, once it hit 2500 RPM, the engine spun back down to nothing.

Cursing like a trucker, I changed my route home to avoid the highway, since clearly, I was not going any faster than 35 miles per hour.

As I was sitting at a stoplight cursing incoherently and throwing myself around in the seat like an epileptic, it dawned on me...I have the number for the dealership...it's on my keychain...it's only 5:10, sureley they are still there! People work! But they still need to pick up their cars!!

So I called and no...they were not still there...so I left a message on the service manager's voicemail to call me immediately when he gets in in the morning because he is going to have to come get this piece of crap!

Amazingly, he did acutally call me. At 6:45 AM this morning. The next time I tell someone to call me first thing, I'm going to do a little more research and find out when it is they actually get into work. So I explained to him what had happened and this is how the conversation went from there:

Car Guy: It sounds to me like there are some old fault codes stored in the computer, we need to clear those out.

Me: Yeah, it was acting so wierd, I figured it was the computer too. So I reset it. It's fine now.

Car Guy: What...Wait...Wha....you reset the computer?

Me: Yeah. I reset it.

Car Guy: Do you mind if I ask, HOW?

Me: Well, when I got home, I thought about it for a while, and it seemed to me that none of the problems were clearly the engine, or clearly the battery, or clearly the clutch or the transmission. So I figured I would reset the computer and see if that did the trick. So, I disconnected the battery cables, and then reconnected them and now it is fine.

Car Guy: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

Me: Yes I can.

Car Guy: No, you can't!

Me: Yes I can. Ask any one of your mechanics.

So, I hear him set down the phone and yell for one of the mechanics to come over and he asks him if disconnecting the battery will reset the computer, and I hear the mechanic say "most of the time, yeah it works great. But sometimes it erases the codes so you can't go back and see what the problem was to begin with."

Then I hear him pick up the phone again and kind of sheepishly says "How did you know to do that?"

Me: Dude, I'm a girl, not retarded.

Car Guy: I didn't mean to imply that! But no one knows that you can do that!

Me: Yeah, but I know. Why would I be tooling around in a car that I don't know how to fix? Otherwise I'd be calling tow trucks for flat tires and transmission fluid.

Car Guy: Yeah, but lots of people do call tows for that.

Me: That is because they are retarded. But I'm not, remember?

Car Guy: Yeah, I caught that.

So, I let J take it in the next Monday so they could make sure I didn't accidentally remove the steering wheel while I was trying to reconnect the battery. Cause you know, I'm a girl and stuff and potentially retarded. This is the conversation that J had with the Car Guy:

Car Guy: Well, we can't find anything wrong with it, and all the codes have been erased.

J: Will it be ok?

Car Guy: It should be fine, but if she hadn't erased the codes we could tell what was wrong with it to begin with.

J: I'll let her know.

Car Guy: Tell her not to disconnect the battery anymore.

J: Tell her?

Car Guy: Tell her not to do that.

J: Tell her? You've met her, right?